Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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