I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
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winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
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explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
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