giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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