Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
