I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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