apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize