so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
