I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
