On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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