I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
