i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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