I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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