The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
