my phone needs a breathalizer
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
