Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
