I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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