did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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