What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
