Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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