I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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