So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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