The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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