I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
