Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
