I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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