And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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