If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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