why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Randomize
