thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
