matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
