nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
