I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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