i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
