Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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