you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
