just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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