dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
