Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
another moral hangover. fuck.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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