do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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