You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
