I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
