There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
