Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i believe in u and ur pee
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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