so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
