ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
