I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
