I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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