He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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