Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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