I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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