you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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