I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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