I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
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