after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
