Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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