I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
