I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
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