Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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