She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
