I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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